“I’ve gotta go!” Every goodbye, phone call & text, would end this way. What was with this guy? We were about to have our first baby & he couldn’t even give me five minutes of his time to get excited about the ultrasound scan. Furious, overlooked & unimportant, that’s how his words left me feeling.
We often fall in love with someone who sees the world differently
The truth is we often fall in love with someone who sees the world differently from ourselves. I’m married to probably the kindest guy in the world, but when it comes to his sensitivity, think bang upside the head with a house brick. He’s blunt, truthful & bottom line, while I’m somewhat more intuitive, diplomatic and creative. I knew early on that if we were going to make this relationship work then I was going to have to accept that my husband’s insensitivity could be one of our most significant assets. The problem was, how I was going deal with my bleeding heart?
How was I going to deal with my bleeding heart?
Here are five things I’ve learned:
- Get to the point and speak it as it is. You don’t need to concern yourself with hurting their feelings; truth, not diplomacy is their language. They have broad shoulders & can take the blunt truth as much, maybe even more, than they give it.
- They are 100% present in the task they’re focused upon. So, if your partner is going out the door to work, in his mind he’s already left. Conversation at this point will end with, “I’ve gotta go.” Mr Insensitive is honest, his mind is now elsewhere. Moreover, he’s polite because what he’s actually thinking is, “Right now, I’m not interested that you …(have our 1st child’s ultrasound scan at 10 am)…I’m 100% focused on work & I’ll focus 100% on you at 10 am.
- Einstein said, “Logic will get you from A-Z. Imagination will get you everywhere.” Bottom liners can often appear black and white in their thinking. However, if you can see more options that may benefit them, then use logic to challenge that bottom line thinking. Here’s one of my favourite challenges: “Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be effective?”
- Accept that kindness or other character traits have higher value than sensitivity because using our character traits is a choice. Whereas, sensitivity is a reaction. That means a kind person or the person with integrity may be choosing to sacrifice their feelings & opinions so that they can demonstrate the highest regard towards you. Amazing -huh!
- Learn from them; our world needs those who demonstrate their values such as kindness, truthfulness & ability to define the most critical factor.
I know you may be reading this thinking that this is all very well, but doesn’t it take two people being flexible and compromising to make a successful relationship. Absolutely, but here’s a mistake I’ve seen, often neither party is prepared to make the first move and change their attitude or behaviour. It’s as if we’re waiting for the other person to turn first. Here’s the thing, the only person that you are ever able to change is yourself, and that’s the reason that if you want a different outcome, then you have to be prepared to do something differently. Differently may include being the first to change your behaviour, attitude and acceptance of the person you’re married too.
It’s the easiest thing in the world to see another marriage and believe that they do not have the same struggles that we do. However, probably like the rest of us, their bed of roses is also the source of thorny problems too.